The question, why do I feel so depressed, has kept going through my mind all month. Last month I was on a roll like I have not been since I can even remember. In a 30-day time frame I had written over 30,000 words.
I love to write. I always have, but I have never written like I did last month. Since my accident I could not write no more and then last month came along. I thought I finally broke the bad change in my life.
- It’s just an accident.
- It’s not like it was that bad.
- You guys are overreacting.
- Other’s have it worse than you.
- You have a choice whether this really changes you.
- Your wife does not have PTSD.
- You do not have PTSD.
- You look fine.
- I never noticed.
- What’s so difficult?
- Move on.
- Life goes on.
- You need to just accept what happened.
- Your wife is just being selfish.
- You are just being selfish.
- You are stupid and you are going to fail.
These were but a few “encouraging’ style comments I have received since I was burned by acid. If just comments like these alone are not enough to give mind altering feelings to most people then all I can say is “wow.”
Some people have developed thick skin and can let most things roll off their backs, but the average person who appears to have thick skin still is falling apart inside when these type of words are given. They may not show it on the outside, but they definitely have it on the inside eating them up.
30% of my body was burned! Not by scorching water, not by the devouring teeth of fire, but by the flowing flesh eating sulphuric acid that I have to work with on a daily basis since I work/co own a chrome plating shop.
On the phone with the 911 dispatch operator, I was accused of pouring the acid on my wife intentionally. What I went through was not an accident of any minor proportion. I even turned away aid twice so that my wife could get treatment first.
While I heard her screams of anguish as she was getting hosed down, I was still getting ate up by acid; because, I told them to take care of her first. I even told them to put her in the first ambulance.
They were refusing to contact family. I kept giving them my father-in-laws number, but nobody would take the time to call. I kept telling them how to call my dad, but they would not.
While I was suffering I was making sure to ask for our father’s; because, I did not want the mother’s getting the news this way. Through my misery I still thought of my mother’s anxiety problems and my mother-in-law’s emotions about her daughter being injured.
When I was getting transferred to Grand Rapids, MI’s burn unit that same night I asked my parents to make a detour and take care of my dog’s.
Whenever asked what was it like, I only had one answer.
“I would not wish it on the worst person in the world. I would not even wish it on Adolf Hitler even though he murdered thousands of Jews.”
I lost my focusing capabilities. I lost some mobility in my left arm, which I am left-handed. I lost a lot of my independence. I lost my health. I lost my home. I was losing my company. I lost a lot of things.
I lost many of my passions.
- Running my business successfully.
- Wardrobe style.
- Gaming (which I did only once in a while.)
- Lost much of my interest in movies and TV shows.
One’s passions are part of what defines them. I had been working on a novel for over fifteen years. I had a well renowned artist design my book cover. I was close to doing my final edits. Then the accident occurred.
One of the things that I told myself was that I now had no excuse to finish the book while I was recovering. Boy was I wrong. I still have not been able to open it back up and start finishing my work on it.
I lost my passion for my business; because, I was not allowed to heal as needed before I was forced back to work. I was supposed to wear a special pressure garment to help with the scarring. It cost both of is a tiny fortune and we could not even wear them because they would cause many sores.
Because of this I had to force myself to wear a style of shirt that I always hated the feeling of. Skin tight clothes have never been my thing. I even abhorred wearing long johns growing up. The tightest thing that I would wear was a necktie for church and a belt tightly wrapped to my waist to hold my pants up. Tight clothes and clothing falling off or down were the two things I hated. I had to wear Under Armour compression shirts, which was very tight compared to what I was used to wearing. (Through different brand trials personally, I found the best brand for scarring was the Under Armour brand.)
These shirts took a little time getting used to, but they ended up feeling very comfortable over time. This was because the pressure actually felt good on the damaged skin and the pressure helped mask some damaged nerves.
The question still remains in my head: why do I feel so depressed?
Before the accident:
- I loved to joke.
- I was a happy-go-lucky guy.
- I did not like confrontation, but I would defend myself like a lion would its cub.
- I was a great multi-tasker.
- I loved to talk to people.
I find what most people want to see is what I was. They do not want to see who I really am now. All the above things I mentioned I no longer do or only pretend because that is what people want to see of me.
Multi-tasking is the one thing I cannot pretend myself through no more.
No matter what I do and no matter what I think or say I cannot get that feeling of depression out of my mind. Even in my rough circumstances I still “know” I have more reasons to be happy than I do for being depressed.
But how do you overcome something that refuses to go away.
In the Christian realm they would say to: “…cast all yours cares on Him (God) for he careth for you…” They would say that your depression is a sin problem and not a physical problem.
I’m sorry, but one’s mind is a physical problem. Without it we would be vegetables. Struggling with depression does not mean it is a sin problem. It means there is a physical imbalance in one’s body and it needs to be corrected.
Why would your God help you if you first are not willing to help yourself? If a doctor says you need to take such-and-such to help with your depression and you refuse to take it. Then why would God help you overcome your depression; because, you have turned away an option that should/would help.
If it even helped at 5% then you still are trying your best to help yourself. If you have to go to mental illness facility to get help or to take a break and refresh your mind then do so. Nobody will want to help you for long if you yourself are not willing to first help yourself.
God, Himself, will not help you overcome your depression if you are waiting on him to do so while turning all your help away.
Never give up.
We must make the choice to never give up. If we give in then why will God help is? Why will family members want to help is? They will for a time, but eventually they are going to not care because you yourself are showing that you do not care either.
The moment you put your hands up and say “I give up” then that is when you are starting to lose.
You can get up every morning depressed. You can go to bed every night depressed. You are a winner if you keep getting up and going to bed every day. It does not matter what the world thinks or says about you. You are a winner as long as you keep moving forward one day at a time.
It is your choice whether you want to be a winner or a loser. A person who lives their entire life and dies from natural causes is more of a winner than someone who started with nothing and amassed a mighty fortune before they die.
Choose which path you are going to take. I have failed for nearly a month now, but I forced myself to write this article. I told myself that I need to keep moving forward. I need to stop asking why and need to start doing.
It is fine to question, but it is more important to make a move than to sit idly by.
Please comment below and let others and myself know your thoughts.